dream walkings

2006 December West Seattle

It came so swiftly…how did I ever make it this far? Like a thin layer of ice over a clear forest puddle. The life I thought I had left behind waited there just beneath the icy surface. It cracks gently at first and the pieces slide with ease out of place until the roots and vegetation of my past life are loosed, and I am drowning in those six inches of water. It was frozen there while life went on. People walked past, planes flew overhead, our blood grew older. But those roots are still there waiting for the thaw and the freedom from death. The water is so cold and I want to drink from it, no really I want to take the ice into my mouth and let it melt. What will happen if I do this? The sun bears down on me, the pain ebbs now, for a moment. I feel powerless against our nature. The snow melts, the ice flows, and the dead grass gives way to new shoots.

Now, the moon is full in the dark blue sky outside my plane window. So bright it reveals evidence of life far below. It shines on the amphitheater of my life as if to say look here at the things you have done, how you have come to this point, and now you are in this place.

I hold on tight to my belief that everything happens for a reason, and in time it will be revealed that everything that happened was for the best.

I see them all gathered without me, it will be loud and merry and I see myself there where I should be. Six inches is starting to feel like six feet. As they drove away every cell in my being cried out for life. Even as the forbidden thoughts arrive again at last, that I did not want this, this was not a conscious choice, this is not fair – I know it matters not, and wish the puddle frozen again.